


Absolute Value

by CalorisBerlioz



Category: Vampire Knight (Anime & Manga)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Kissing, Light Angst, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:41:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalorisBerlioz/pseuds/CalorisBerlioz
Summary: There are parts of Yuki and Zero that neither of them understand about each other, and that creates distance.
Relationships: Cross Yuuki/Kiryuu Zero
Kudos: 5





	Absolute Value

**Author's Note:**

> Absolute value? Distance from Zero? Get it? I have an ACT coming up and am terrified of the math section...

“What’s the matter with you?” was a question Yuki had been asked a lot recently. By Yori, who asked it gently and with concern; by Kaname, who wasn’t used to Yuki being so quiet; by the headmaster, who took it as an opportunity to smother her with pleas and affection; and most especially by Zero, who asked multiple times a day, and always in a sardonic, mumbling tone. But Yuki didn’t have a good answer for any of them.

The truth was that she had been losing all sense of herself. She couldn’t say what was the matter, or how it could be fixed, because it didn’t feel like there was anything more to her than simple existence. She didn’t have any hobbies or any idea of what her future would be. She didn’t have many friends outside of Kaname, Yori, and Zero. She was struggling to commit to her studies. All she had was her dream of unity between vampires and humans, so she latched onto anything she could to give her a purpose. She needed to become more active in her life. She needed to solidify her identity. But every time she saw Zero sulking by himself, she threw everything away in order to make him feel better. She wished that his happiness could be her identity, no matter how unhealthy that was, and the distance he put between them only made her feel more depersonalised.

She wanted to understand why he pushed her away. With every bite, with every brush of their hands, she could feel them getting closer, only for a tender moment to be shattered by a sigh or a distraction, and the distance increased. One step forward, two steps back. She could watch the emotions swirl in his eyes for hours and never understand what he was really thinking. Until the night he almost kissed her. She had been ready, and had known that when their lips met, she would be able to find herself again, and unlock the joy that had been calcified in his heart for so many years - find the real Zero in the process of finding herself. But then he pulled away. She waited with bated breath for the moment to repeat itself only to find more distance. When he asked her what he meant to her, she wished she’d been strong enough to say: “Everything.”

One evening, Zero found her asleep between the pages of her algebra textbook, and he asked her again: “What’s the matter with you?”

“Tired.”

“Then go to bed.”

He didn’t sit at the table with her or peel her away from her work. Instead, he watched her from the edge of the kitchen’s light, wondering if there was any better way to express his concern for her than with that stupid question. He knew it was useless to ask it again, but in some way, the routine kept him grounded. He’d given up on finding himself. With the thirst always burning in the core of his being, he knew instinct mastered his identity. Instinct, and a Victorian level of self-control. He wanted to improve for her. Become whole again for her. But every time he saw her, he froze up, and the fear of ruining everything kept him from making a move. He wished he could be brave enough to protect her the way knights protected their princesses, no matter how much it hurt him, and close the distance which he knew was the only way to keep her safe.

He didn’t care at all what Kaname thought of him or his relationship with Yuki, but he knew Kaname was right in distrusting him. Every time he got closer to intimacy with her, he felt a connection to a part of him that he didn’t understand, and it scared him. He hadn’t felt anything besides rage and guilt in the years since his parents’ death. What if that mysterious part of him was the Level E he kept buried deep inside? Sometimes, he felt frustrated with Yuki for bringing him so close to that precipice. He couldn’t understand why she threw her beautiful human life away to hide in the shadows with him. Was she only pretending to be that stupid? It wasn’t right for him to need protection from her, even if every moment he spent with her gave him hope that he could still return to a state of normalcy. When he had tried to kiss her, he had come closer to that strange part of himself than he had ever allowed himself to go, and he almost felt, for the first time since his parents’ death, that what he was doing was right. But then he got scared. During her silence after he asked her what he meant to her, he wished he had been strong enough to tell her: “Sorry.”

He hadn’t realised he’d been spacing out until Yuki pushed away from the table and came to stand by him. Her warm brown eyes met his cold grey ones, and she interlaced their fingers, her heart beating softly. He swallowed hard.

“Wait. Don’t pull away again,” she said when he tried to leave. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, counting to ten in her head, before fixing him a sympathetic smile. “Zero… I wanted to tell you, that when you asked me what you meant to me…”

“You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry.”

“I wanted to tell you that my answer is ‘everything.’”

He could hear her heartbeat accelerate.

“I know it’s cheesy, please don’t laugh at me,” she sputtered. “But, you asked, and it’s the truth, and I’m sorry I didn’t answer sooner. I’m just… not myself anymore.”

Zero couldn’t respond verbally. He followed her example, forcing himself to be brave enough to tune in to the desires of that mysterious part of him, and finally close the distance. Their kiss was soft and amateurish. Zero, after a brief sensation that he was falling off a building, felt safe and complete. Yuki, after the surprise of Zero’s gentle fingertips tilting her chin up and the press of his lips against hers, melted into a feeling of security and confidence that she’d been seeking indefinitely. They could feel their hearts beat in rhythm, and both were reluctant to break away. When they finally did, Yuki pressed his hands tenderly and laughed.

“So… Now that you know… It would mean everything to me if you could help me remember the quadratic formula.”

He smiled, shook his head, and sat down beside her at the kitchen table, taking one of her sparkly pink pencils and scribbling out the formula. There were still dozens of things left unsaid, and dozens of things they still didn’t understand about each other, but both of them knew that their closeness to each other had brought them closer to themselves.


End file.
